Dirty words

There will be a number of dirty words in this post.  Prepare yourself.  Maybe grab a beer or something.


Cancer

I'll start with my least favourite dirty word.  My beloved tabby, Cameron, probably has the Big C.  He developed a large lump near his jaw a few months ago and it didn't respond to antibiotics, so my vet is assuming he has cancer.  In order to get a diagnosis, Cameron would have to have a biopsy to remove the tumour.  This means general anaesthetic and a big old scary trip to the vet school at U of S.  He's old (if he were a human, he'd be about 85 years old) and has an existing health problem, so the surgery may actually cause more harm.  It would also be outrageously expensive and my intuition tells me that my money would be better spent on spoiling my boy in the time we have left together.  I'm so glad the vet told me that it's okay for me to decide not to have the surgery, which helps immensely with guilt.  I wasn't surprised by all of this but it's still stressful and sad.  This cat has seen me through a lot and offers a level of unconditional love that continues to give me a boost everyday.  I will miss him so much when he's not here to greet me when I get home from work.  So now I'm in a new phase of pet ownership, where I have to monitor Cameron's quality of life on an ongoing basis and prepare to decide when it's time to let him go.  Right now he's comfortable and happy.  His kidneys and thyroid are in good shape, and he's still eating.  No problems with his appetite at all, although he's lost weight in the last year.  Every time I walk into the kitchen he's right behind me, surveying the dry food situation and demanding treats.


Vegan

This isn't really a dirty word for me, but it is for other people.  I've decided to give up on dairy and eggs.  Dairy is not agreeing with me and I've had a love/hate relationship with eggs for a while.  I've been eating vegan a good deal of my time as a vegetarian, so it's not a huge deal and isn't anything new.  I even hesitate to use the word "vegan" but we're all hell-bent on labelling diets, so if people ask from now on this is the word I will use.  What I really want to emphasize here is that if I go out for dinner with you or have a meal in your home, I don't want to make what I eat/don't eat a big fat hairy deal.  If I eat something with cheese or eggs in it, no one is going to die.  I'm not going to projectile vomit or spit it out across the table or have a hissy fit in the restaurant.  I accidentally ate chicken back in the fall at a library social thingie, and I chalked it up as a "shit happens" kind of situation.  That said, I also appreciate it when people don't look at my food like it's landed on the plate from outer space.  It's just plants.  I eat what makes me feel best, and you do the same.  I'm sure there are more interesting things to focus on anyway. 


Scales

I took my flute in for a check up a couple of weeks ago.  It came back feeling much better...the keys close at the same time!  I don't know what happened to it, but half the instrument was in really bad shape.  The repair guy said he wasn't sure how I was getting sound in the low register because nothing was sealing properly.  He worked his magic and all is well again.  Now I can't blame the instrument for any problems that I encounter, which means if I want to get back into good playing shape I'm going to have to stop messing around and start playing my scales again.  All those annoying technical exercises I did for years and years really did help; all the music I play is made up of scales, arpeggios, etc. and if I don't practice them everything falls apart quickly.  I once had a lesson with a flute player who said that any problem (ANY PROBLEM) in a piece of music could be solved with a technical exercise, and I believe him.  Not all musicians agree with me, but I know myself well enough to realize that I need to haul out the daily exercises again if I have any hope of getting back to where I was a few years ago.  I need to find my tuner too...that's another dirty word.  *shudder*

I hate January

There.  I said it.  I actually say it almost daily, and it has little to do with this post, but getting it down in writing is always a good thing.  This winter isn't nearly as bad as last year: it's much warmer here in Saskatoon and my anxiety level has dropped dramatically.  I feel more settled and can function after 8pm most days.  We're in for a thaw tomorrow, which means I should also be able to avoid the intense cravings for meat I had last year around this time.  (True story.  Take me out for a beer sometime and I can tell you all about it.)

Anyway, I've been making stuff and it's been much easier/less scary/more fun than I thought it would be.  It's the same old story: the anticipation of creating is a good deal more frightening and uncomfortable than the actual act of getting it done.  And though I've given myself permission for my makes to be ugly, most have been quite pretty.  Here is my hand cut snowflake made out of a page from Vogue magazine...

If you look closely, you can see super twit Kim Kardashian in there.  I specifically chose pages from the Kim and Kanye article to cut up, as I can't think of two people more deserving of being shredded.  Three of my snowflake creations now hang in the door way to my kitchen.  How stylish.

I also wrote haiku with random words people selected for me.  If I ask you to give me a word, you now know what I'm on about (other than being annoying).

Frigid river walk

Cauterized my aching heart 

Deadened senses drift

And...

Scarborough subway

"Boondoggle" say the critics

Too late?  We shall see

My favourite makes so far are these rude cross stitches...

I have no words.  They make me giggle every time I walk by them.  And I haven't even framed them yet. 

I took a big, brave step and sent my flute into the local instrument repair shop to get a check up.  The last time I did this I spent an outrageous amount of money getting it adjusted, oiled, cleaned, and having some pads replaced, then I got it home and it felt exactly the same as it did before I took it in.  (Did I mention I even drove the damn thing to Toronto to have it serviced?  Seriously.  It was practically a suicide mission on the 401.)  I'm hoping for better results this time out.  My Powell deserves better, you know?  Another big step was contacting something called the Galliard Foundation here in Saskatoon to ask to perform in one of their upcoming Classical Variety Night concerts.  The next one is in February, which is too soon for me to get up in front of an audience, but I'll be playing in the spring edition.  I'm ditching the Baroque music and picking up a few French pieces from the late 19th and early 20th century.  I always felt most satisfied with my playing when I performed Faure, Gaubert, etc., so it's a fitting way to get back into it.

Other miscellaneous tidbits from my life (you can stop reading now if you don't care to hear about the boring stuff)...  1. My building had two break and enters in the past week, yet the property management company seems a bit reluctant to, you know, make the building more secure by fixing the locks on the front and back doors (their suggestion: make sure you have insurance!).  I pity whoever breaks in here, because they'll find I live a pretty basic existence.  If they want a crappy food processor, I'm their woman.  Hopefully it doesn't come to that.  2. I'm on the brink of giving up dairy as my body is throwing out signals that it really can't deal with it anymore.  I took a break from it for a couple of weeks, then felt like complete shit for three days after eating cheese pizza.  I'm sure I'll get over the loss, eventually.  3. Librarian-ing is still fabulous.  There's always lots to do, problems to solve, programs to plan, and bizarre things going on.  I love my job.  4. The fur children are doing well for a couple of oldies.  I can't believe Cameron will be 17 in March.  He still has that funny bump near his jaw and I've been putting off taking him back to the vet as I'm always convinced the next visit will be the one when the vet tells me he's living on borrowed time.  I know...bad cat mom.  I'll call tomorrow to see what we can do to (hopefully) fix him up.  Cleo is her usual princess self.  I've decided she only really wants me to get out of bed in the morning so she can have the whole bed to herself, not so she can enjoy my company over a cup of tea.  Bitch.

2015: Make it ugly

What am I doing with this blog?  I've been lazy about posting, as I feel that my life isn't all that exciting to write about.  And there are many days when I feel like I never want to touch a computer ever again (thank you, work email!).  It started out as a way of keeping people in the loop about my move to Saskatoon, but when the initial upheaval subsided and I got the job I really wanted, it seemed boring to give a run down of my week all the time. 

I'm coming out of a weird place.  There was a lot of change in a very short period of time, and it messed me up.  If I told you I was okay in the past three years, it was probably a lie.  I spent most of last winter paying for the time I went on autopilot, which perhaps wasn't the healthiest thing I could have done to deal with library school, job interviews, the move west, and other stressful, sad things.  However, it got me from there to here and I'm still alive, so I suppose that time I spent with tunnel vision did what I needed it to do.  I guess that's what happens when your survival instinct kicks in.  My creativity took a beating during that time and through the past year of retreat and recovery.  I haven't made much of anything, except the stuff I 'make' at work.  I miss it a lot.  I'm envious of my coworkers who go out and make music regularly, or write, or sew, or whatever.  I've been encouraged to make stuff, but I ran away from it for whatever reason.  I just wasn't ready to create again.  Then I starting reading this book...

It's called "Make It Mighty Ugly: Exercises & Advice for Getting Creative Even When it Ain't Pretty" by Kim Piper Werker.  I ordered this for Fine Arts because it seemed quirky and down-to-earth.  I'm reading it because I thought there was library program potential in it (turns out the author thinks so too, as she has an entire section on her website devoted to librarians who want to run the Mighty Ugly workshop), but now I'm into it because I think it will give me the kick up the backside I need to start making stuff again.  I've been feeling out of sorts: digestive upheaval, my skin is breaking out (but only on the left side of my face...WTF?), and I'm having an insanely hard time getting a decent night's sleep.  (Seriously, if I could get seven evenings of excellent sleep in a row I would be able to die happy.)  This kind of thing happens when I'm shifting from one place to another, and though it's uncomfortable, it's generally a sign that I'm moving forward.  And right now is the time to move forward creatively.  I'm going with the suggestion in the third section of the book: make something (anything) for at least 15 minutes a day.  This is where the blog comes in...I can create daily, and share weekly.  There are lots of blogs and websites out there that chronicle people's journeys through creativity, and I hate to follow the crowd, but it makes sense to do this at the moment.  It goes back to the Seven of Wands.  To me, that tarot card is all about feeling the fear about doing something and carrying on despite those uncomfortable feelings. It's what got me where I am today, and it's the right time to channel that energy into bite-size creative goals (rather than huge, life-changing goals, which is exhausting...I'm done with that for now).

So off I go, making stuff no matter how ugly or disastrous it may be.  I haven't decided exactly what to make each day, probably a mish mash of things, but I've already started.  This week I got out my flute and made Bach.  It wasn't great, as evidenced by the number of times I called poor J.S. a bastard.  I've never had a good relationship with Baroque music and despite the fact that I'm learning pieces that are at a grade level far below what I'm capable of playing, it's still a challenge.  And I forced myself to play in a manner that exposes all my tonal deficiencies, which was even more painful.  But then I hauled out a concerto by Quantz that I learned almost twenty years ago and was delighted to discover it's still under my fingers.  So I'm not a lost cause after all.  Onward.

Bring on the light!

Thanks to my #1 blog lover, AGLL, for bugging me continually about updating this thing.  I think I was having such a wonderful summer and fall that spending time on the computer ran counter to my desire to be out in the sun and clean air.  Summer was delightful, I was outside all the time, but fall was particularly spectacular in Saskatoon.  Seriously, I was still walking to work in a just a sweater, skirt, and tights during the third week of October.  Amazing.  Not so amazing right now, with all the fog and darkness.  But today is Solstice so the light will be returning...bring it on.

But now for the blog update.  Grab a cuppa (Typhoo?), this is going to be a long one.  :)

Where to start?  I'll give you a quick recap of the fall in Fine Arts at the library.  We've given the department a kick in the ass and did a bunch of programs, including public art talks, our book club, and an evening presentation about animation.  I'm involved in a music discussion group, which has been dubbed Wednesday Night Music Club.  It's like a book club but we listen to an album (yes, a whole album...no shuffle, no skipping tracks), then have a chat about it after.  I was super nervous for the first session, but nine people out and we had a good evening.  Our subsequent sessions have averaged about five people and we've listened to anything from classic rock to country to the brand new album by Beck.  It's interesting to hear how different people interpret and talk about music.  It's been so much fun and we're looking forward to continuing on through the winter.  Another REALLY EXCITING thing we're doing is a music CD advisory service for SPL patrons, called SPL Music Quest.  Patrons fill out a form, online or paper, telling us what they like to listen to, all time favourite musicians/groups/composers, how adventurous they are when listening to music, etc., and we use that information to pick one CD a month for each participant.  Although readers' advisory is a well-known library service, music advisory hasn't taken off.  Getting everything organized and rolled out was stressful, but Fine Arts is home to some really great team players and we worked out kinks together.  We have about 28 participants so far and we're enjoying picking music for each person.  A couple of us have described it as giving a gift to someone everytime we send out a CD.  Feedback has been positive so far, and I'm hoping to speak about this service at a library conference next spring.

There was also live music performed in our art gallery this fall.  We had bass player Richard Carnegie come do a gig in October for Saskatchewan Library Week, then in November clarinet and percussion duo Carmine Jewel performed new music and traditional holiday carols on a cold, snowy afternoon.  Both performances were well-received and I would love to get more of this happening in the future. I'm in the process of hunting for grant money to make things happen.

After all that craziness, I headed home to Ontario for my first vacation in over a year.  I've never lived far from friends and family, so the whole idea of scheduling visits with a bunch of people was a bit overwhelming.  It was so great to see everyone, though.  I hit Toronto, London, and Strathroy on my nine day tour, and enjoyed catching up face-to-face with my folks.  My brother and his family, including new niece Alexandra, were visiting at the same time, so my parent's house was packed.  This view from the back step of the house always makes me happy...

My niece Lily made the nativity scene her own, by adding Play Doh accessories and an extra angel (on top of a shepherd or something...).  This picture sums up our five days together as a family: a bit chaotic but fun...

 

I also got to spend some quality time with my little boyfriend, Ryan.  Too bad he's not thirty years older, we really hit it off.  Here we are, watching Rescue Bots...

I was happy to get back to Saskatoon and the fur babies, but I could have used another few days off work just to chill out (extreme introvert needs her down time).  As it was I jumped right back into work.

I'm making more of an effort to take care of myself this winter.  I spent a lot of time last winter asleep or in a bit of a funk, so I decided to avoid that this year.  B12 and iron supplements everyday, and I fired up the SAD lamp again.  Exercising outside in the winter here is just not an option for me (bless all those year-round cyclists and runners), which could have led to a whole lot of doing nothing for months at a time.  Instead I got a six month membership for the Y and I'm okay with it.  Running on a treadmill is a bit strange, but the impact isn't as jarring so it's actually better than road running in a way.  I also use the bikes and rowing machines; boring, but it's better than nothing.  If I'm sweating and my heart is pounding, I feel better no matter where I am.  The winter blues are being kept at bay, although I still want to eat bread all the time.

Cameron has developed a lump on the side of his head, back near his jaw.  I was hoping the antibiotics the vet gave him would get rid of it, but it's still there.  Poor buy.  A biopsy might be coming up in the new year to see exactly what that thing is all about.  I go through periods of worry about what the problem is, knowing he's almost 17 and in the late stages of his life.  He doesn't appear to be in any pain or discomfort, however.  For now, we're enjoying daily cuddles on our favourite blankie...

Cleo is her normal self.  Bitchy one minute, affecionate the next.  I bought her a Furminator pet brush and took a ton of fur off of her the first three days I had it.  Lucky for me, she enjoys being groomed: lots of purring.  It's the best money I've spent on a pet accessory.  I'd share a photo of all that fur, but it looked pretty gross lying on the floor in a big pile, so I'll leave it.  Trust me when I say her ladyship Cleo looks much better.  FURMINATOR!!!  (Try saying it loud in a low voice.  It's fun.)

On behalf of myself and the beasts, have a super fantastic holiday season!  Today's Solstice combined with a new moon is pretty special, so I hope you're doing something cool to celebrate.  Light and love to all!

Time to get outside...to meditate?

*Someone* (ahem...initials are AGLL) is always on my back about updating this blog.  Most of the time I can't think of anything all that interesting to talk about, quite honestly.  My routine is pretty routine.  Meh.  So tonight I'll tell you about an emerging theme I've got going on here that I find intriguing.  You may agree, or you may prefer to watch TV.  :)

First of all, I'm really enjoying my first summer in Saskatoon.  Yes, spring arrived late and it took some time for summer to get rolling as well, but I really LOVE that there are no air quality issues out here in the prairies.  People complain about the humidity, but it's nothing compared to southwestern Ontario.  I don't have respiratory issues and still had a rough time in July at home.  In Saskatoon I can breathe deeply and easily (that forest fire smoke didn't bother me at all, which is a bit concerning, but whatever...).  It's delightful.  It also makes going out for some exercise much more enjoyable.  I notice it the most when I run. 

I started running again this summer after a 3 year break and I thought it would be rough getting back into a routine, but it's going very well.  I'm already back up to a 5:5 minute walk/run ratio (goal is 9 minutes running to 1 minute walking).  I think the clean air is making a difference: I huff and puff when I'm out, but I feel like I can breathe all the way to the bottom of my lungs.  The other big difference is that I'm running because it makes me feel good, not because I want to race or break a personal speed record or train for a marathon.  I read "Born to Run" by Christopher McDougall last summer and it woke me up.  In a nutshell, it's about attitude and mindset.  Like most things in life, if you decide you can't, you probably won't.  The same goes for running.  I used to think I couldn't run in the afternoon or evening, after a day at work, in the sun, in temperatures warmer than 25 degrees, when I was bloated, blah blah blah.  All false.  As soon as I ditched the self-limiting thoughts, I had virtually no problems.  And when I got comfortable enough with what I was doing, running time turned into meditation time.  I make my best decisions when my body is in the groove doing something repetitive.  No surprise that I've solved a couple of problems already and I've only been back in running mode for 4 or 5 weeks.  I can sink into the run, let thoughts bubble up, and allow a solution to present itself.  It's pretty freakin' amazing.

I don't think it's a coincidence that this is happening at the same time that I put a mindfulness bell app on my phone, started pseudo-meditating in the morning before work, and reading back issues of "Shambhala Sun" magazine.  All signs point toward a life that I was living a decade ago, then fell away from (for reasons I won't go into right now).  McDougall also mentioned something in his book about not denying who you really are because it will come back to bite you in the ass sooner rather than later.  Uh huh, I get it.  So nice to be back hanging out with my authentic self again.

Probation is done!

Good news this week: my 6 months probation (why can't I *ever* spell that word correctly?) is over at SPL!  As Ricky on Trailer Park Boys would say, I passed with flying f*cking carpets.  I went out for a celebratory lunch with some library ladies and had the most amazing smoked portobello mushroom burger.  Seriously, I think I had a dream about it.  Anyway, it's great to have crossed that line.

I spent a lot of time in the past couple of weeks planning library programs for the fall.  During library school I kept going on to my classmates that unique programming is going to be one of the ways the library remains relevant as we move into the future.  Now I get my chance to try it out and I'm super excited, but also pretty stressed.  I put a mindfulness bell app on my phone that rings every half hour, so when I'm getting wound up over some detail about my plans it pulls me back into reality.  We're going to try out a listeners' advisory service this fall (likely continuing into the winter) where patrons can answer some questions about their musical tastes, and library staff find them recordings they may not be familiar with.  There will also be a listening party/discussion group happening once a month, where we play an album in its entirety and then talk about it.  I'm aiming to do programs that personalize the library experience for people and go a bit old school.  I think technology is great and we have lovely electronic resources, but there is something to be said for the personal touch and connecting with people in a way that doesn't involve a computer.

I bought these crazy things last weekend.  I don't think it's possible to buy running shoes that aren't vibrant colours.  If you're going to run, you really must have shoes that scream "LOOK AT ME!!!  I'M RUNNING!!!"  They came with two extra sets of grey laces, so if I feel like they're too distracting I can change them up.  I went out for three runs this week (there was a lot of walking along with the running, as I haven't done this for a while) and it was great.  No stiffness, only a bit sore, and I got my anxiety under control.  Niiiiice.  The best part was that even though I haven't done this in about 4 years, I seemed to slip back into it easily.  Hurray for muscle memory!  It's better than my regular memory...
 
It's Canada Day next week but I keep forgetting, as the weather is not particularly summer-like in Saskatoon.  In a way, I'm okay with that because this time last year I was questioning my need to shower every morning because I'd immediately start sweating as soon as I towelled off.  I just hope I remember not to go to work on Tuesday morning.  People keep talking about "next Tuesday" in a way that indicates that it's special, but it took me a while to remember it's a holiday.  Duh.   So I wish you a happy, and early, Canada Day because I may very well forget to say it on July 1st.  :)

Expotitions on land and water

It's here!  IT'S HERE!!!!!  Spring, I mean.  My god, did it ever take its sweet time arriving.  It was still snowing at the end of April and I really started to wonder if it was ever going to warm up, while considering taking to my bed in protest.  But it's all good now.  The leaves came out in less than a week, and it's so green and pretty here now.  I'm about 75% less grumpy and practically skip to work everyday now.  Happy dance!

I've been out a lot on my bike and on foot in the past few weeks.  Unfortunately, I can't carry my phone with me when I ride so I don't have many pictures from my treks.  Here are a few, from one of the first warm days.  It was still pretty brown by the river, but there were definitely signs of life...

Not sure what these actually are, but I didn't really care the day I took the picture because it was such a relief to see something ALIVE.

The pelicans hang out by the weir to fish.  I was so excited to see them for the first time that I was practically jumping up and down squealing to the people next to me.  Ahem.  I don't think I've ever seen pelicans in a natural setting and I still love watching them do their thing when I pass by.

I think I took this on one of my 10k walks next to the river.  I was on the east side of the river; during the winter I stuck to the west side.  One morning I decided to take the trail right next to the water, but it got rough and steep quickly.  I ended up on all fours at one point, climbing up the embankment, and decided that perhaps it would be best to get back onto the paved pathway.  Falling in the river isn't on my to-do list.

I joined the canoe club here.  For a very reasonable fee I get the access code to the storage space where they keep a selection of canoes, kayaks, and other essentials for paddling on the river.  I have very little experience in a canoe; in the past I've aligned myself with men who know exactly what they're doing so I can just sit in the bow of the boat and look pretty.  I decided it was time to learn myself up, so I took a learn to canoe mini course this past weekend.  I got a handle on some basics, like canoe safety, how to launch (I excelled at this...tres graceful!), and a few essential paddling strokes.  It was fun and I learned a lot, but I was cooked by noon.  The instructor wanted to show me one more stroke and I had to tell him my brain was full.  I don't have pictures from the class as I was worried someone would tip the boat and we'd all end up in the pond (a smelly, dirty storm sewer reservoir...puke), so I left my phone on dry land.  If you want to see me in action, you'll have to meet me for a paddle.  :)

No blog post is complete without random pictures of cats...

Cameron is a little too interested in my food.  Here, he decides if he likes cauliflower and red lentil soup.  Verdict: no, he does not.  At least he remained seated on the chair for the duration of the meal.

Cleo refused to get off the mattress a couple of weeks ago when I had to make the bed after doing laundry.  I covered her up in the duvet, where she growled and pawed madly at the covers...but then posed like her cute little princess self for this picture.  So deceptive.

This is my new friend, Hepburn.  I live right above another librarian and when she's away I hang out with her fur child.  She's very loving, perhaps a little aggressive in showing you the love, but it's nice to have a new buddy to cuddle.